Question: I've been married to my husband for 12 years, we are in our late 30's. I find myself very bored in our marriage. He's a great hardworking man but I feel we have lost our spark over the last few years. He doesn't do anything romantic and never really has. Our idea of a date night is having dinner somewhere and looking at our phones until our food gets to the table. How can I change this before it gets worse?
I Asked an Expert, a Professional Counselor
I had the pleasure of talking with Amber Kennedy, the owner of Spring Lake Counseling, Inc.
For anyone that may be experiencing this situation or something similar, here is what Amber has to say:
Be specific in your wants and needs. What would it take to regain the spark in your relationship? Sit down with your husband and ask him where he would rate the romance in the relationship? It would be interesting to know if the both of you are on the same page.
If “he has never really been romantic” he may not be aware of how you’re feeling and what you’re needing.
When you had your “spark” what did that look like? Every day the both of you are growing, changing, life happens and stressors occur. Have you thought about implementing weekly check ins for the relationship? Sit down together on a specified day of the week and spend 30 minutes to an hour talking about the relationship. Maybe what you noticed your spouse doing for you that was helpful and what you noticed wasn’t helpful and how can the relationship continue to improve on that specific day and forward.
I suggest taking the 5 Love Language Questionnaire and reading the book together as a couple. Understanding one another’s love language can help understand the needs of the evolving relationship. As you grow and change, the love language your partner possesses can grow and change with them.
When you think of going on dates, what comes to mind? Some couples get overwhelmed thinking about carving an hour out of their week or month to be on a date with their partner. Sometimes the financial aspect of a date can be overwhelming as well. I want to challenge you to stay at home for your date – place a blanket outside under the stars and listen to your favorite music while enjoying one another’s company, grab your favorite beverage and start a bath or shower together at the beginning or end of your day.
These are just a few examples that would allow for the “spark” to occur – but you get to create your own. You choose him and he chooses you – living like you’re dating one another on a weekly basis will help the connection grow and the intimacy, both physically and emotionally to remain steady. Oftentimes when couples get “bored” in their relationship they’ve lost sight of the chase and become complacent. I would encourage you to have ongoing check ins as I stated above to prevent the “boredom” from turning into something more.
Thank you so much, Amber!
Amber Kennedy is the owner of Spring Lake Counseling, Inc. and a mom of two beautiful boys. She is a spouse of an active duty soldier for 14+ years. She specializes in working with military families, individuals and couples. She has an extensive background in military family life and have a passion working with the military population as whole. She is trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) and RTM (Resolution of Traumatic Memories) for trauma processing.
Her other areas of specialty include: Christian Counseling, Marriage and Family Therapy, Military adjustments and struggles, Mood Disorders, Personality Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, Physical, Sexual, Emotional Abuse, Anger and Stress Management, Parent/Child or Partner Relational Problems.